I am 8 Years Old Today

My new life began eight years ago today. It has been a great passage, filled with more adventure, revelations and hard work than I could have imagined. The journey has yielded invaluable lessons in surrendering and receiving, as well as also how one can clutch to the past. I look back now, over these eight cycles considering what has passed away, and what wishes to continue forth. Today I give profound honor to one of my great initiators, my wonderful husband Christopher, Christ-bearer, who died eight years ago today of cancer. His return home was the gateway into my new life. He is Saint Christopher in my life now, a protector on my journeys, a baptizer, a giver of the staff of life that now bears fruit, and a guardian at the thresholds seeking to the serve the greatest Spirit…

On Vashon Island with beloved Rowdy

I laid out a spread from my Oracle of Initiation divination deck asking what has been released and what wishes to be reclaimed. The deck has been one of the astonishing blessings that appeared during this quest of emergence. The Oracle was created directly out of my own process of redefining the challenges I faced throughout my life, and especially the last eight years, embracing the creativity and gifts within my struggles. The Oracle deck is how I recognized my own Rainbows in the Dark, the juice, passion and power within my shadows and complexities.

The three cards representing what I have released over the last eight years are:

58. Remembrance; 36. Trust; 31. Knowing. Both Remembrance and Trust are reversed.

The three cards  representing what I am reclaiming as I move forward are:

51. Refining; 55. Alignment; 63. Regeneration. All three of these are reversed.

A little background on the Oracle deck. There are eight stages within the deck, eight levels one passes through within a process of spiritual transformation. I directly experienced this progression within my own journey of renewal. In the reading above, four of the stages are represented:  Discernment; Alliance; Offering; and Unity. Each of these four sections speaks to a series of trials and tests we may experience during a pathway of spiritual awakening. The levels also speak to the gifts and transformations available by meeting the challenges and claiming the courage, compassion and depth within the process. The reversals speak to a possibility emerging; an opportunity that is waiting to sprout. Reversals can also be something you have overcome, old patterns that have been shifted.

When I look to the three cards representing what has been released, it speaks to the claiming of my power and knowing. 58. Remembrance, is the card of reconnection to ones ancient knowing. It is the card of Divinity reclaimed, the willingness to journey down Alice’s rabbit hole returning with insights, wisdom and skills for our modern era. In its reversed position it speaks to my underworld journey traveling between the realms and rekindling those channels of knowing. It resides within the Unity section, the re-union with our essential illumination and essence.

36. Trust has been one of my greatest challenges in this lifetime. Trusting myself, trusting the Universe, trusting others, I got it all. For many years I was isolated from my true essence, feeling a sense of abandonment and detachment from my relationship to Source. Reclaiming trust has been my greatest transformation, recognizing the fact that I am always guided, supported and greatly loved. I still need refreshers now and again, but it is anchored much more solidly than it was in the past. Hallelujah. It also speaks to the golden glow of trusting your own instincts and inner fire. Trust is within the Alliance section of the Oracle. The stage where you open to a broader and more refined view of universal connection, relying on your Spirit Guides and earthly soul family’s collaboration on your path of evolution.

31. Knowing in the ancient magical child who is both wise and enchanted. She has a directness and power in her gaze; she wears the cape of glowing rainbows. She is the Guardian of all our indigenous knowing, she is fierce and strong and true. She has no doubt of her worth and rightful place as a Holy One. She is dark. She is fertile. She is the power in the subterranean forest we all must meet to reach our wholeness. In order to carry true illumination, we need to integrate the paradox of our sparkling darkness. She carries all that is, she is the Sun and the Moon, the fullness and the constriction, all colors within the void. Knowing resides in the Discernment section of the deck, the stage after the initiatory breakdowns when you embrace your instinctual wisdom and begin the resurrection process with greater clarity and intuitive insight.

Honoring Christopher

He was so alive. He climbed mountains, painted allegories, embodied chivalry, traveled the world, adored his clan, devoted himself to beauty, loved his work, recognized magic, and was funny as hell. He was a chameleon, at home in both the natural world and urban environments. His Virgo had such a sense of decorum, propriety and respect, but not in a constricting way. He also had one of the finest design and aesthetic awarenesses of any straight man I have known. And he knew how to love. Thank you Gram-bits, R & D. You gifted the world with a being who knew his worth.

Beloved Roberta

There are some interesting Saint Christopher parallels with Chris’s life and death. The Myth of St. Christopher is that he chose to serve God by ferrying people across a dangerous river. He was a giant who used his immense size to navigate a difficult channel. One day a small child asked to be transported, and Christopher waded thought the water with his staff supporting their passage. The child became almost unbearably heavy, but St. Christopher labored through it, almost sinking and baptizing them both. On the other side of the river he asked the child what happened, and the infant reveled he was Jesus and Christopher had been carrying the weight of the worlds sins. After this great offering St. Christopher’s staff was given the power to sprout leaves and bear fruit. His bravery and dedication to supporting other’s passages is why he is the patron saint of travelers.

I do believe my Christopher was baptized and renewed during his ordeal. He crossed the river between the worlds, and became holy from his initiatory trials. As Sonya Lea said in a Tarot reading after his death {she was one of the first people he came to directly-in Spirit-after his death. He always shows up in our readings together}, he thanked me for my support because he had transformed from a knight to a king through this ordeal. Soon after his death, on the rugged Pacific Northwest coast, he gifted me with three things along my beach walk. The first item was a little plastic knight figure, the second was a little pink cross, and the third was a beautiful wooden staff. He laid out in offerings the journey he achieved, gifting me with my own staff of resurrection from the process.   I have been walking with its support since.

My Staff from Christopher

A story about his sense of humor. We were both stubborn and opinionated {I’ve left that all behind-wink-wink}, so our shared sense of delight and play helped get us through some bucking of horns. One day we were in need of an energy shift, and he picked up an empty paper-towel tube and barked at me through it in a funny voice… Mission accomplished, giggles ensued. Well, as a “happy marriage tool” I took two of those tubes, writing “his,” and “hers” on each one. We kept them in the kitchen and at opportune moments would bust them out to shift the dynamics. Try it, its fun.

So here I am, eight years later, and what do I choose to bring forth from all of these shifts and experiences?

51. Refining 55. Alignment 63. Regeneration.

51. Refining is the kundalini opening, the snake rising up through the social construct of “the face,” the persona, illuminating the crown chakra. It is the tempering fires of chaos and order, of golden re-illumination. The shadows and the light held in the delicate and regenerative balance of yin and yang, active and receptive energies. There is the “light at the beginning of the tunnel” as Stacey Robyn said to me, the ascension process through which we become divinity incarnate, lights at the beginning of the tunnels, illuminated holy humans. 51. Refining and 55. Alignment are both from the Offering section within the Oracle, the stage where you have integrated, balanced and surrendered yourself to such a degree that now your unique gifts and talents become a sacred offering to the collective.  You returned from the hero’s journey, ready to bring the wisdom of the quest back to the tribe.

55. Alignment is another card speaking to the process of integrated wholeness. Alignment is the pathway up or down the sacred ladder of life, the levels of development within the tree of life as you  mediate between the worlds. You have surrendered to your truth and destiny, you are the traveler between the realms who is both archetypal and mundane, skeletal and animate; a reclining Days of the Dead skeleton delighting in the life-death-life cycle of decay and regeneration.

63. Regeneration is your existence as a Rainbow Web Dreamer. You are fully vibrating your own rhythms, your own multidimensional brilliance. Every act, every though, every impulse feeds your works for the collective. Your life is joy and magic and creative force, without the differentiation of culture, class or ego construct. You are One.

I have dedicated myself to apprenticing to the wild and integrative forces of co-creative visions, claiming the blessings and gifts within this challenging loss. Today, I would not change any of it, and this took me almost this long to hold that. This complexity does not disregard my profound love and connection to Christopher, his beautiful family, and the life we shared together, and yet my soul has been freed to a much larger potential than I could have ever dreamed.

Today I honor you Christopher, and also one of my family members who passed yesterday as well. The oldest sibling in my mother’s Scandinavian lineage, my Aunt Nancy died yesterday quietly in her home. I read once that the compliments we give others are actually reflections of ourselves. Aunt Nancy once said about Christopher, “He is a class act.” Well, right back at yah Nancy, rest in peace.

The Scandinavians-Aunt Nancy is second from the left, between my mother and Grandma Maxine with Rusty

“The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds”  The Notebook

Thank you for everything Chris, it was ALL a blessing.

The Magical and Intriguing Inside-Story of the Emergence of the Limited Edition Version of The Oracle of Initiation Deck

I am awe struck. Boy has this been a wild ride. I wouldn’t want it any other way, and even I am surprised by the twists and turns during the emergence of the limited edition deck of The Oracle of Initiation.

I am a Leo, sun-wise, and I have a lot of fire. I also carry the energies of a Capricorn moon, which wants to plan and retreat. These two energies can be at great odds; Oh, these lovely juxtapositions we all get. I was really resistant to self-printing a version of the deck. I felt totally overwhelmed by the process of graphically setting it up, and my Capricorn could literally think of 500 tangents within the deck that needed to be decided upon. I had been printing prototypes at home for my workshops and individuals to work with, and I was completely DONE with all of the time it took.

The final straw was a reading with and amazing psychic, Coleen Renee. We have been friends for 11 years, and she is a powerful ally in my life. In the reading the Spirits said it would be better if the cards were all one size. The self-cutting I was doing was not exact, and that was energetically distracting to the readers, not allowing them to go as deeply into the process and images as they might. Now, I am also a spiritual counselor and psychic myself, so I know when I hear the truth, I feel the resonance. And this information was completely accurate.

So, for about three weeks I was sitting with how to approach all of this. I will not go into a long explanation, but computers and I are in couples therapy. I am actually pretty good with them, but emotionally our bond can be strained. So undertaking a huge Photoshop/ computer project is not the first thing on my to-do list. Back to the fiery Leo. When I get an idea in my head, I am like a Mack truck. Get out of the way if you don’t want to be mowed over. For some reason, On Tuesday, January 21st I got a bee in my bonnet to make the deck. {you astrologers-was that a move-ahead day?}

Now, in comes our savior, Mary Beth. Mary Beth has been a cherished ally on my path of emergence. She is a gifted artist, designer, and very wise in her own perspectives. For the last 4 years we have created all of my websites together. She and I have an amazing synergy where her artistic and design skills seem to merge perfectly with my visions. And she carries the computer skills and patience that I am cultivating. We have had a blast making 4 websites together. I knew I could not make the limited edition deck without her help. So I called my fearless ally to see if I was totally insane to do this. At the very same moment I was calling her an e-mail came through from the online printer I wanted to use {Overnight Prints-they do blacks much better than Vista-important for art}. All postcards 50% off. That was it. It was ON. Thanks Adam for the postcard suggestion in the first place-you have been a blessed carrier and ally for the deck.

Here’s the rub, we had only 13 days {cool number} to completely design and create the decks. I guess it’s a good thing I have the busy-bee Mack truck parts of my personality, because that is quite a timeline for a 66 card deck, when I am a neophyte at Photoshop.

Mary Beth and I began feverishly working, planning the colors, structure and feel of the deck. She spent 5 hours Saturday teaching me how to set up the card template, do layers, and move the images and words into the card format. This much concentrated time in front of a computer has only happened a handful of times. My energy system is much more resonant with the earth energies, and at this point the electromagnetic fields of computers carry a different tone. I must have prayed really well because I believe a lid was opened in my crown Chakra and I was able to receive and retain the Photoshop knowledge. I point this out because in specific situations we may be able to accomplish things we never dreamed possible.

Mary Beth and my collaborative relationship is really extraordinary. I mentioned a very simple concept for the logo using two “Os” connected with an “I” from the initials of the deck, and she immediately got a vision of the incredible graphic she came up with.

This same thing just happened yesterday with the Gateway cards.

Lets talk about the Gateway cards for a moment. The deck has 66 cards. There are 8 overall sections-a pathway of spiritual transformation. Within each section is 8 cards, and then at the beginning and end of the overall sequence are a zero and infinity card =66. The 8 Gateway cards are like the Major Arcana within the traditional Tarot system. When you pull a Gateway card, you are dealing with a core life issue. This is a pivotal piece in your vision quest in this lifetime. Within the structure of the deck the Gateway cards are the threshold into each level of the deck. We have the Gateways of Innocence; Exploration; Initiation; Discernment; Alliance; Balance; Offering and Unity. Each of those sections offers the readers a different perspective on how to meet the challenges and gifts within that stage of initiatory transformation. They are a roadmap, a compass to the complex and shape-shifting landscape of spiritual expansion.

So, since I chose to be the carrier for this deck, I too got to go on an initiatory journey of awakening. The deck has been training me since the beginning in how to receive, listen, surrender, trust and follow. I have gotten to deal with my own ideas about timelines and ways the deck will emerge. Guess what, I AM NOT IN CONTROL. Such a beautiful cosmic joke, to tell a recovering perfectionist, German, Capricorn that she is not the master of her Universe. Oh joy, the shattering of constrictions and expectations.

All along, the deck has emerged at its own pace, in its own manner. My strongest creative language is the visual. You could blindfold me with my hands tied behind my back and I could make some cool visual thing. I grew up in a family of artists. They are all obsessed with beauty and design and aesthetics. They trained every cell in my body to be in resonance with my creative imagination. So recognizing this, the deck makes me wait two years after it began to reveal the artwork. The entire structure, words, and system were all in place for about a year before the creative medium was available. I believe I had to move to the Southwest to allow the energies of the artwork to channel through me, but still, my visual self was confounded by the wait. And it did not seem “real” until I could show people images. More blessed lessons on patience.

Back to the Gateway cards. The deck is channeled. I do Spirit Writing, where I get out of the way and let the muses of the deck flow through. There are 5 notebooks FULL of information about the deck. That is a lot of information. Some of the symbols and ideas in the deck are still revealing their multidimensionality to me. The Gateway cards have been the strongest hold-out in that area. There are some different categories within them that I will humbly say I am still waiting to integrate into the larger picture of the deck. I also knew they were not to be The Painted Body Spirit Beings who occupy the other 56 cards in the deck. So, I have waited, and waited for the inspiration for the Gateway cards. I have explored a lot of abstract photography to see if its right, and nothing has clicked. Mary Beth and I are in the homestretch of designing the cards, and I needed to know what to do about these 8 pivotal threshold cards.

Yesterday morning I got a little snarly and impatient about it. I do call myself a recovering perfectionist, but I also have my standards. I know excellence, and this project means so much to me I would like to do the best I can. I want the Gateway cards to carry their own weight with the startling power of The Painted Body images. I spoke to Mary Beth on the phone, telling her about the suggestions the incredible women in the Illuminating our Temples workshop I am leading offered the night before. Out of the input from them, Mary Beth’s thoughts, and my own intuitive channels I got an epiphany about how I might design the symbols for the Gateway cards. I have a laser-sharp sense of how I want things designed. I know if I want it crisp and bright, or moody and indistinct. Out of this clarity for the symbols within the Gateway cards came the remembrance of some inspirations from my Norse heritage.

Lets talk about cultural influence for a moment. I may get really wu-wu on yah here- hang in there with me. My entire life I have been powerfully drawn to certain cultures beyond my German and Scandinavian lineages. Powerfully may not even be the right word, unexplainably, irrationally so. As my Spiritual cosmology expanded, I came to the understand that those draws were past-life influences. I don’t talk about this very openly because I am acutely aware of the devastation and shattering many indigenous people have experienced in this Western world. And, I cannot deny the visitations, synchronicities and passion for certain traditions beyond my cellular heritage in this lifetime. The strongest magnetism has been to African and African-American culture. I feel really vulnerable writing this, and it is part of who I am. It is time to stop being afraid, and live on deeper levels.

I am not blind to the privileges that have come with this pale skin. This is a very tricky thing to carry, this being between cultures in Spirit. As the Hopi prophesies have said, their Ancestors would return in the bodies of their oppressors. Well, here we are folks. It is time for the Rainbow Warriors to come together openly and lovingly to heal the injustices and inequalities our imbalanced world has created. I am standing up, willing to meet my own prejudices and judgments created out of a world that has a profound soul sickness of disconnection and discrimination; the perceived isolation from eachother and our own divinity. I stand up to meet my own fears and insecurities, with an open heart to create a new paradigm. Walk with me. And as the Oracle deck is concerned, I do not want to deny the potent influence of my African Ancestors. Many of the main guides for the deck are African, and a large percentage of the dreams about the deck have Africans in them. I am coming out of the closet about this, I am calling on my courage to carry this dual-citizenship that has challenged me my entire life. Part of my path as a messenger is to own and say the harder things that most people will not reveal. I am truth carrier, and it is not always an easy job.

Back to the Scandinavians. Part of my own Spiritual journey has been to reclaim the indigenous tradition within the heritage I was put in. The Heathen, Asatru, Pagan, Celtic, and Sami traditions all carry a remembrance of their native European sacred roots. Discovering the Norwegian/ Sami/ Lapp shamanic tradition was a big deal for me. I knew if I was to respectfully navigate the other cultural beliefs, I needed to be grounded in the ones of this lifetimes DNA. The Sami people are a rugged and hearty group, living in the far north with the reindeer, bear, and foxes as strong animal totems. Their Medicine people created incredible drums with diagrams of the others worlds painted on their skins. The image are magnetic. I fell in love with them the first time I saw them. They have little magical dwellings, animals, gods, goddesses and humans on them. Their fundamental power and style lodged in my psyche.

So, yesterday morning, I was inspired to turn to my Norse sacred ancestry for ideas. I googled Sami drum symbolism, and revisited the ones I had typically seen, and discovered some new versions. I feverishly started drawing rough little symbols and glyphs for the different categories within the Gateway cards. I was thrilled, it was exactly what I wanted. Exactly. I sent some of the images to Mary Beth, and she was able to bounce off of my inspirations to bring forth some really cool designs.

Here’s the kicker. And because I am a story-teller, I will have to tell you the tale before this one to prepare you… When I began The Painted Body photography series for the deck, I did not realize it would become the artwork for the cards. I was on a journey of self-discovery through a primal connection with the land through self-portraiture. After the first Painted Body shoot, June 27th 2008, in a graffiti tunnel here in Santa Fe, I asked my Spirits if these might be the images for the deck. I had been pondering and experimenting with how I would accomplish the dreams and visions they had sent about animals and humans shape-shifting and morphing. When I asked if this was the artwork for the deck, there was a vast, cosmic “lack of response.” Not a yes, not a no, a huge, fertile, void. Well, I said to them, if you want to be coy, two can play at that. I then said to them, I have been so blown away by this Painted Body process, that I will continue to do it with out expectations of the outcome, other than the unbridled joy and satisfaction I receive. I now realize they didn’t want me to try to control the outcome, they just wanted the process to unfold in its own way. And honestly, most of my work is getting “me” out of the way so I can be a good conduit. I am not bad at it these days, but boy has it been a lot of work.

I did The Painted Body process for two and a half months, 10 photo shoots, until the truth was revealed. It was the Fall Equinox 2008, and I was sitting in my casita going over some old notes about the deck when I found an entry from 9 months before… As I read the words about wanting the imagery to be moody and evocative, with complex muted backgrounds, as if Spirits were emerging from the cave walls-I was stunned. {I am stunned a lot by this magic carpet ride of life}. I KNEW I had finally found the artwork for the deck.

Well, the same thing happened last night. I was looking through that same powerful notebook and came upon an entry from almost EXACTLY two years ago that suggested the enchanting Sami houses from their drums could be a great inspiration for the Gateway cards. Jaw dropped, because I had forgotten this.

Over, and over again I am reminded that if we pay attention, much of our passions and inspirations are truly our destiny. We have EVERTHING inside of us to accomplish our Souls Missions-we just have to figure out how to access it. And here’s my plug for initiation, it helps to open us up to new ways of seeing things so we can become the people who can carry our sacred gifts. We are truly divinely guided, and there is a piece of the puzzle we each have to carry.

Now I must leave you, I am back to finishing this limited edition of The Oracle of Initiation, a blessed and transformative journey. I shall present the offering of 88 decks soon…with special pricing for 8 days. The 8 ties into the infinity sign, a central part of the multidimensionality of the deck, and the flight pattern of one of the muses, the pollinating, communal, traveling between the worlds, honey filled bees.

Blessed bee. Aho. Thanks be to God. Kiss the Angles and Dance with The Faeries. Great Honor to my Ancestors, in their Rainbow representations. And great love and gratitude to Mary Beth.

I just went to send this to my printer over e-mail, I had 880 messages.. 🙂

The Series aspect of the work: Sami Graffiti in The Valley of the Moon

The series aspect of the work is some of the most interesting parts of the process.  The photos above are from my Earthen Body series taken in 2007 and 2008. These particular images were taken during a break from a fantastic Sami/ Norwegian/ Norse  Shamanism workshop by Ailo Gaup through Michael Harner’s Foundation for Shamanic Studies. We were in the achingly beautiful Valley of The Moon in Sonoma, CA.  I am such an Earth Baby, and I had reached my limit of  being separated from those honey-colored rolling hills in the  September sunlight. I skipped an afternoon session and went to frolic on the land. I had a blast and got some great shots-a lovely mix of process and product. The photo below is from an algae covered stream  called “Sami Vacant.”.

I do not actually consider myself a photographer. I cannot tell you the ASA of a shot or make Gelatin Silver Prints in the darkroom. I see the camera as simply a tool to document a ritualistic process. The main goal of the work is to create communion with the Land and Spirits and get the hell out of the way. All of The Earthen Body work was done with a very small digital camera, and The Painted Body series used only a slightly bigger one; God Bless the Canon G9.

Because it really is documentation of ceremony, I take hundreds to thousands of images during each photo shoot. It actually ranges from about 300 to 4000 pictures, with extended groups of different angles and locations. It’s really interesting to look at the progressions during the process-it becomes a range of moods and reactions, a montage of human expression and engagement.

The four Sami Graffiti photos above represent the first graffiti images within the work. While exploring the Sonoma landscape I found a handful of large feather. I initially thought they were from a Turkey Vulture, but was later corrected by Maria Yraceburu;  They were Eagle feathers. I found the tunnel with the aerosol art  just after collecting the feathers. I took off my glasses and top, descending into the darkened tunnel, dancing with the sacred eagle gift. The final photo of the 4 is a miracle of composition and proportion. I do not see well without my glasses, and all of the images are taken VERY quickly and spontaneously.  So to have the background, feathers and my eye line up like that was only possible through Divine Intervention. That was when it really really hit me that I had somehow slipped into a co-creation with The Universe. It was so exciting and humbling at the same time. I had been kissed by the Angels.

So the series aspect of the work is really the true representation of creativity in its wild and undulating complexity. It’s not all beautiful or perfect, but if we show up we can meet the entire range of expressions that want to spill forth. And we may occasional reach excellence, with a little help from our friends…

Sacred Adornment-The Altar-ing of Self

In my Painted Body photography series for The Oracle of Initiation deck, sacred adornment is a central part of the process.  The talismanic jewels and natural objects I decorate myself with are as altar-ing as the painting itself. The feathers, scarves, crystals & bones all carry an energy and power that radiates beyond their physical existence. In welcoming them into a ceremonial process, they reveal their true essence, offering a glimpse into the inner-glow that everything possesses but we rarely notice. We see that things we perceived as lifeless are actually filled with a sparkling grace.

In Norse mythology, Freya, the Goddess of beauty and love {Scandinavians version of Aphrodite & Oshun} wears a gleaming golden necklace named Brisingamen. It is said to be the most beautiful piece of jewelry in the world. To receive this treasure she spends a night of “love” with each of the four dwarves who crafted the necklace. One of the interpretations of the dwarves is as the four directions of Earth, Air, Fire and Water. I also view them as the richness available within the underworld; the darker inner-places where complexity and contradiction nurture great creativity and visions. Freya returned to her primal elemental connections to claim her true radiance.  I descend into tunnels and caves to see the glow of my own amber abundance.

I too decorate the temple of my body during the photographic process. I become naked & vulnerable, as well as bejeweled & majestic. This is the paradox of the work- getting muddy and becoming a Queen. Offering ones self to the dwarves for the most beautiful necklace in the world. What shadows in your life could be the contrast illuminating your most glorious gifts?